The Dark Side of a Dual Mind [entries|friends|calendar] Another Twisted Soul [ website | More Me ] [ userinfo | livejournal userinfo ] [ calendar | livejournal calendar ]

Sacrifice [11 Dec 2007|06:08pm] [ mood | happy ] [ music | BDA ~Live Like We're Alive ] That night it was chilly but not so much thrilling as haunting, like fear that turns snowflakes to red. That night as I peered out my window I feared that the fog was a creature that actually fed. My mother was worried and said to me “Hurry, it’s time for all young ones to be safe in bed.” She kissed me and smiled, I forgot for a while that uneasy feeling, that increasing dread. I didn’t know why but she started to cry and her tears made me shutter as each one was shed. But then she went out and replenished with doubt I lay, insides as heavy as three bricks of lead. I tried to recall the last movie I saw or the colorful pictures in something I’d read. I peered out the window, my grey curtains billowed and then I saw claws and some black and white thread, then next came the paws, the eyes and the jaws, I shook and I wept, terrified as he said, “Now don’t be afraid, you’re the sacrifice made on this glorious night when the snowflakes turn red. They’re all so afraid that to keep me at bay they’ll allow me to eat you until you are dead.” 1 comment|post comment

Duplicate [11 Dec 2007|05:59pm] [ mood | cheerful ] [ music | Bleu ~Somebody Else ] In this room of endless days I search for you. Half-lidded in a murky shadowed haze, I find you there, my mirrored tattered blue. What more can I hope to find here but you? It’s a simple unobtainable dream I chase. Yet through these endless days I search for you. The one thing that I often yearn to do, is break the mirror so you can be erased. Yet you’re always here, my mirrored tattered blue. So I’ll continue doing what I always do. Stuck here contemplating my lost state of grace In this room of endless days, while I search for you. With every box I open I’m lost too, I’ll never finish looking at this pace. But everywhere I look you’re here, my mirrored tattered blue. I’m faced with horror I cannot refuse. My own reflection I must come to face In this room of endless days I search for you, And find you here, my mirrored tattered blue. post comment

Forgotten [11 Dec 2007|05:56pm] She often believed that there was nothing stranger than the thoughts that trickled through her mind. She calmed her pulse to a slow deliberate tick, until unknown faces triggered it to race. She didn’t want to know her own secrets, and would have forgotten every shadowed memory in time. She traced the street with slow steps, and frequently checked the time. When she realized that at the sidewalk’s end there was a stranger, a man with a dog and a bag full of secrets, she could not stop the violence from penetrating her mind. She walked quickly, then jogged, and then began to race. After the car door locked she felt each miserable second’s tick. She breathed, turned the key and felt the engine tick. The dashboard lights illuminated the time. She pulled out slowly, then began to race, away from those memories, and all of the strangers. With the windows down she screamed to keep her mind from unbolting the heavy doors that hid those secrets. She wondered instead about the secrets of the universe, and what makes it all tick. The neighborhood was run down, but she paid no mind to the trash in the street, as she struggled to forget that time, the broken chain on the door, and the stranger. Her memories began to revive as she forced the engine to race. She closed her eyes tightly and perused that fatal race. Desperate to escape that man, and those secrets which haunted her from just below the surface, strangers to her revised memory banks. Her long fingernails ticked nervously against her leg as she counted the rhythm and time, trying not to slip into the darker corners of her chambered mind. But that massive breech was as a crashing seizure within her mind. Her skull could barely hold her thoughts, her chest the pounding race of her heart. Then there was the corner, the turn, and not enough time. She lost control, unable to bear the pressure of her secrets. They sucked at her concentration and sanity like ticks. The crash was deafening, though only heard by a single stranger. It was stranger still, the way her mind ran down the steering wheel, and her heart struggled through its final ticks, at the end of that deadly race. After that her thoughts ceased to count the time, and her secrets kept themselves. post comment

AEriol [11 Dec 2007|05:53pm] [ mood | full ] [ music | Raine Vivian ~In Love With Gravity ] I fall asleep and I don’t get paid, but it’s hard to lie on this bed, exhausted and awake, moving my hips to the rhythm of the AEriol. This cigarette cloud is choking me. In this thrusting dance, I need to breathe. I gasp for air, but there is none here, only sweat, drinks, music. I’m told to drink whiskey, To get up and dance, legs flying over my head, screams rising up to the great dome ceiling. A show between acts, routine turns routine, and I scream without thinking, only wanting to sleep, alone in a bed I can’t even call mine. But time’s not up yet, five minutes to go. The whalebones are tight, and my breasts overflow as they heave. My skirt is heavy, hard to hold up, but warm like a blanket. My head drops, then jerks. Forced noises escape my lips, I hear the rhythm fade. I roll over slowly and light up a smoke. He smiles and pants, I wink as I leave. Bar tokens in hand, I slump down the stairs to meet the new cowboys, and show them the night. post comment

Pressure [11 Dec 2007|04:49pm] [ mood | relieved ] [ music | afi ~Endlessly She Said ] Tell me a funny story. I don’t have one. Come on tell me. My mind is a chasm. I’ve already told you two… I sit in concentration amongst the laughter and smoke. Nothing comes. I was laughing, just a moment before, overcome by the humor of his tales. I can still feel the tension in the small muscles in my jaw and cheeks. This jolly stranger is inviting me to share the laugher in my life, But I only feel frustration, as I sit in concentration. Nothing comes. Tell me a funny story he repeats. I don’t have one. I can’t find them. I can’t figure out why they’ve all gone away. I remember laughing hysterically uncontrollably until tears dampened my face and pain split my sides. I remember laughing I don’t remember why. Come on, I’ve already told you two. My mind is a chasm. One moment. I’m reaching for just one moment. Trying to harden, to make real, those inexplicably intangible memories. I fail. I don't know why. I can’t find them. post comment

Cathartic Addiction [24 Oct 2007|09:54pm] [ mood | frustrated ] [ music | Emery "By All Accounts (This Day Was a Disaster)" ] I never said sorrow was something I hate A broken bone feeling but something I taste like an orange candy liquor, that’s burning and sweet, Or the ashes of flowers that lay at my feet. I know that you’ll leave me in pain on the ground, But I take in a mouthful and swallow you down. It feels like consuming a flaming red coal as you pass through my insides and mar me with holes. I allow you to fill me but realize my fears when I begin to lose you through my pours and tears. My hatred flows outward, a hot steady stream. You drip through my fingers, I catch you and scream. I close my eyes tightly and feel it exude The mercury droplets, that sear as they soothe. I start to get empty, that’s when I begin to fill up a needle, inject it back in. I lie in confusion, entirely torn between hating and loving, compassion and scorn. I miss you and curse you, as I start to fill with the sorrow of loosing, the snow and the chill. I can’t quit this anger, releasing in waves the self-produced pictures that haunt me for days I never said hurting was something I hate This cycled catharsis is something I crave. post comment

Bipolar [24 Oct 2007|09:48pm] [ mood | stressed ] [ music | Action Action, "Smoke and Mirrors" ] Fond soft fluffy memories of you. . . I think of you always, Especially when I look into the snow. Speak to me Draw me in. Touch me Open me up Draw me out, a straight thin chord. Touch me and make me sing. Beautiful notes that sing out for you. Touch me Hold me Grasp me Snap me Strip me to threads so I can no longer sing I would have found my voice again if you hadn’t held on to the pieces. I miss you I love you I’m empty Fuck you. All of this poison is siring through my skin. I writhe and I see your face. I breathe and the sun floods in. Leave me I hate you You ass-hole How dare you? If you knew how much I’d given up How completely I was gone given over to you when you had already left. I’m screaming It’s torture I’m empty It’s quiet. Standing here alone I search for scraps of you But you have taken everything and given nothing back Taken all your promises, affection and pieces of me. There’s no more I’ve crumbled Still burning Not snowing. I want to run to you every day and hold you, and push you and take back what I need to live. Go Leave me Restore me Forget. post comment

Shaken [08 Sep 2007|04:49pm] [ mood | melancholy ] [ music | none ] Run run run run run run fly! Take all of my emotions and hide them deep down where the hot tar bubbles and will burn them away, or solidify them into to hard heavy stone stomach aches. I can't stand to see your face. I don't want to see your hands, soft on a small shoulder. I don't want to see your hair, longer than it was before. These memories of you, They're not who you are. There is no more snow. Now, there is no more snow. Now it's hot and i'm sick. There is no more sleeping with you between classes. Now you're gone and i'm sick. I'm whole but i'm hollow. My hands shake and i miss you. It's like missing hell, Or heaven and hell split in two. The paradise was never real. The happiness was always acid coated. Always eating away at itself, But i never let you fade. You begged me to remember, I remember every day. It's you who shut me out of your mind. I can read the letters, see the pictures, And breathe life back into a time that will never really live again, but you stay. I needed to bury you along with those beads Underneath the peach tree. The stars still sparkled. It seemed a pitty to dull them under so much dirt, but they are dead now. We are both dead now. Yet you still burn in the pit of my stomach. I see you and i know it's not who you are. You are dead. The belt, the shoes, the posters and the songs, the houses rings, cats and snow, they are all dead now. But these memories, they wont die. The person you were then, He won't die, because i can't let you. I won't ever let you fade away. post comment

Negative [25 Jun 2007|10:06pm] [ mood | accomplished ] [ music | Reunion, Cynthia ] It was not too cold to keep us from enjoying the sun. It was warm for November, but we both wore long coats as we lay side by side in the dry grass. I could feel your heat. We spent a long time hinting, hiding meaning in meaninglessness. I heard I love you embedded somewhere deep inside a soft mumble. I pretended not to hear. It was only the third time we’d seen each other, and it was wrong. For a while, we stared in silence. I looked away and said shit much louder than what had passed before. You asked me what was wrong, and the stare that followed was deeper and more terrible than the first. I said I love you, the words passed clearly between us for the first time, and I was damned. There were noticeably less flowers, cards and candy that February. I pocketed a total of two pieces of chocolate that day. I didn’t get to see you until nighttime, but darkness came and there you were. It was the third month we had been together. I was sitting on top of you laughing and somewhere, quietly, hidden in a mumble, I heard you say I love you. I pretended not to hear. After we made love, we lay panting on the sweat dampened sheets. I could not see you, but I could still feel your heat. After I had had enough of silence, I said honey? In the dark, you found my mouth and kissed me, pulled away and asked yes? I love you I replied, and as the words passed clearly between us for the first time, I was safe. post comment

In the Company of Raindrops [25 Jun 2007|10:01pm] The thunder clouds are creeping up the sky, And soon will swallow up the yellow light. The rain will wash away what once was dry. The gloom and dusk will mock and mimic night. Yet I find solace in the darkened day. The silent rush, crazed calm, I don’t resent. Instead of running in I think I’ll stay, To breathe the rare, life-giving desert scent. When drops fall off my hair and drench my skin, Form puddles, streams, or seep into the ground, With arms outstretched I wholly take it in. Filled to the brim, I breathe and I am drowned. My eyes are open now, and I remain, Shutting out life while standing in the rain. post comment

The Stubbornness of Fish [25 Jun 2007|09:57pm] [ mood | complacent ] [ music | Homesick, The Cure ] One fish munching on the legs of another. Jesus and Darwin, Soaking their fins in pools of blood. A war is raging But always at a distance As slurs are shouted over thick brick To avoid looking the enemy in the eye. Jesus and Darwin, Soaking their fins in pools of blood. The teeth open wide in anger, Misunderstanding Ignorance. On opposite sides of an impenetrable wall, Separating two vast seas of ideology. The fish cannot look each other in the eye. They cannot see that they are all just fish And they never try to break through. Jesus and Darwin, Soaking their fins in pools of blood. Their teeth are sharpened and they’re poised to fight. They’re ready, they want it. Perhaps it’s boredom, or want of status That drives them to carnage. Motivation is murky They just like the feeling of being on fire. They avoid the wall. They leave deep pockets of bitter salt water Between their cold scales and the dense concrete. The fish will not look each other in the eye. They will not see that they are all just fish They are all afraid that their fire will smolder Should they take a moment to understand Or a single second to see, We are all fish. post comment

Expectations [25 Jun 2007|09:55pm] [ mood | calm ] [ music | Remembrances, Schindler's List ] Your mission, your duty, is to take the pressure. You may not choose to accept it. There are no choices here. Just let us place it on you, or better yet, throw it to you. We won’t be watching if you drop it, but we’ll hand you the broom. Let us challenge your morals, Your religion. Do it for the children Do it for the money Do it because that’s what we expect. Simple. Do not look for sympathy Rewards Checkups Information Fish. Handle it. post comment

To Ignight Chivalry [25 Jun 2007|09:52pm] [ mood | bored ] [ music | Enya, A Day Without Rain ] To build a chivalric dream Out of dingy street-corners And sticky sin-covered alleyways, Peel the debauchery from the bricks Of the rat-infested buildings. Gather it from the stones in the hallways. Sweep the clicks of whore’s heels off the sidewalks, And catch their floating laughs in bottles. Wrap them, With the foul scent of cheep brothel perfumes Into a clean handkerchief and fold it Twice. Wash it in the earthy water Of a deep well Where no spring water or rain ever fell And justice will be manifested. You will directly hear hoof beats On cobblestone As transformed virgin maids wave their handkerchiefs From the windows of a former brothel. And as the knights’ polished lances Pass through the smoggy city air, The sensuous roses will wilt, And give way to thriving daises. post comment

The Dragon [25 Jun 2007|09:48pm] [ mood | annoyed ] [ music | Sycritec 3, Raine Vivian ] Is it the armored skin that I admire? The titanium scales that scoff at arrows? You splinter trees while scratching itches, and mar stone to sharpen your claws. I think of you while I lazily pick at the nail polish that’s been there for months. I think of your powerful jaw that devours gallantry, ingesting ancient codes of honor. It’s Ramen again tonight. Perhaps it’s the streams of fire that burst across the sky, or the wings that push your enormous body above the veils of thin air, and wisps of cloud. The vast array of vertebrae, and ribs that twist and slide, your grace. Your bones twist like mine, but without the aches. You devour flocks with one pass, I pick at my peas. You incinerate villages with your terrible rage, they shriek it, terrified, but they know your name. You are more magnificent than I could ever be, yet there is still a small trace of you somewhere, nested within me. post comment

Mineshaft [25 Jun 2007|09:48pm] The wound in the mountain remains. With wooden beams forbidding healing, Though its golden veins have long ago gone dry. It is an open sore, Stinking and infected. The dynamite bit hard into that mountain. It held its breath for just a moment before it screamed. The miners needed lanterns to see the glistening blood. They tore at it with their picks, Extracting what it’s held from birth, Ignoring the echoing moans. They left only silence, And that festering rotting hole. That mountain doesn’t scream anymore. post comment

Unshakable [08 Oct 2006|09:41pm] [ mood | depressed ] [ music | Tool ~Third Eye ] Poison. A slight outside influence on a sensitive state. One touch and contentment crumbles, One drop and serenity melts away. The curse of an all too malleable mind. The neurons spark and smoke. A blank screen, the backdrop of my eyes. Lights flash in the foreground reflecting ERROR. . . ERROR. . . The wheels jam. I stare out from noting into nothing. The hooks enter my skin. the frustration deeply buried in my flesh. So that once the reboot occurs, And the gears resume their rotation, The anger and the torment remain. It's in my blood. It flows past the angry rusted hooks, Seeping into my clothes, Nuzzling against my entire being: Unshakable. My anger is poison, Hot in my exhaled breath, Bitter in my voice, And rigid in my touch. I can stand straight after tragedy, But it is always the smallest of my foes, That conquer me. 2 comments|post comment

Haunted Air Castle [08 Oct 2006|09:24pm] [ mood | full ] [ music | None ] Recite the lullaby, Calm the raging storm. Wash away the torrent, And the lightning in my eyes. Recite the lullaby, When my head is fulled with doubts. Hypnotize my senseless mind, Seduce myself with lies. All is peaceful, All is well. (Don't let me slip into this hell) Count my blessings, Peaceful sighs. (Don't help when i close my eyes) Recite the lullaby, Feel your body next to mine. I wish that i could stay with you, Please keep me from this chase. Recite the lullaby, the words are lost with you. I slip into the darkness, I'm pulled into this place. All is peaceful, All is well. (I have returned now to this hell) Count my blessings, Peaceful sighs. (Can't help me now that i'm inside) post comment

Forbidden Thoughts [08 Oct 2006|09:10pm] [ mood | hungry ] [ music | None ] This is how i say these things, In black and white, Disguised in metaphor. this is where i keep these things, Locked inside my mind. They fight for air, They fight for life, they are drowning there, Drowning in my reason, choking on my conviction, suffocating in my righteousness, Surviving, and feeding on m fear and doubt. This is the only way i can let them out, Masked with smoke, Cloaked with a mirage of insubstantiality. They are harmless this way. These thoughts i cannot stop from seeping, Into my eyes as i lie trying to sleep. As i play tricks with my own mind. I will not let them out unmasked, They are dangerous that way, These things, they're safer here with me, Or here in black an white, Blanketed in mystery. post comment

My Brain as a Canvas [08 Oct 2006|08:50pm] [ mood | hot ] [ music | Action Action ~A Simple Question ] A pallid of paints, colored by emotion, ready at my hand. I mix them and they emerge one by one. One, the color of persuasion, An eager yet shy yellow. Another, the longing of infatuation; The pail pink flush that flies up my neck, And flutters to a rest upon my cheeks. And the hot red of adrenalin, Corsing through my veins, Triggered by a look, and then a smile. But there are other colors there. The empty consuming black, A void of lonliness. There is doubt. A dark purple storm cloud looming overhead. And the dark bottomless blue below. the worry and the regret, I shrink away from the responsibility of choosing my own destiny. The shreaking frey of sleet against the wondow pain; It screams to me of fear. The better acidic green; The sour jealousy that settles in the pit of my stomach. I reach then for my blanket. It envelopes me, that rich dark brown. The coor of my love. I wrap myself up in the warmth of it, Until i part my lips and the color of the sky, Drifts ot and upwards. the clear blue, the color of my hope. All the colors are visible now, And my brain is a canvas. I am covered with the hues of my emotions. My brain is a canvas, And i am a work in progress. post comment

It Comes With Teeth, And a Venomous Tongue [21 May 2006|05:58pm] [ mood | sleepy ] [ music | Atreyu ~Corseting ] A million contradictions, I know, You contain multitudes. You cater to my addictions, Through laughs and romantic interludes. But i never cease to wonder, At the complexity that is you. I'd be a fool to see you as one, When it is clear that you are two. You're my everlasting solace, But one that is bizarre. Although i find great peace in you, Your words can go too far. I try to hide the sting sometimes, to seem understanding and strong. But the pain builds up inside of me, And the levee breaks before too long. You really are so precious to me, You're beautiful, loving and kind, Not one minute passes in each day, When i'm not thankful that you're mine. But day must sometime turn to night, The moon must wax and wane. And all the comfort that i feel, Must sometimes be replaced with pain. With stinging words and glaring eyes, You easily break me down. And tears fall steadily from my eyes, Until i fear i may drown. My brain hurts and confuses me, But you go in cycles too. Around from bites to kisses, This is always what you do. The twins that rule your destiny, They find a way to hate and love. Predictable as they may be, Logic, they are devoid of. If i could fix my broken mind, And you could calm your stinging bites, We would share a perfect love, Absent of tears and shouts and fights. But even if i could do all of this, I'd keep you as you are. For you are beautiful to me, I'll take the bites and keep the scars. I love you. 1 comment|post comment

navigation [ viewing | most recent entries ] [ go | earlier ]